Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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