Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I need a beard to bite.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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