thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Shame is for Republicans.
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