ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
