This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
