My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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