I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
