Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
