I wish I could teleport
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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