true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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