I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
