I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Every concussion has its silver lining
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
