she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
After tacos, we're chasing women.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
