Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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