Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
