Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We're too hungover to prance.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
