woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Randomize
