Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
