Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Watching her eat just hurts me
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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