just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
