please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
