I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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