So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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