hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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