I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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