You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
