i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
