U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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