Where is the hickey?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
