You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
