You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
