The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
