She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
How external is "for external use only"?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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