It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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