had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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