he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
