My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud š³
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
And, by āmake you dinnerā I mean āhave lots of sex and multiple orgasms.ā So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
