We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
