i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
well you can't waste a boner
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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