You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
