Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
