I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
