I'm lost and stupid without you.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
