Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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