i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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