Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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