I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We're too hungover to prance.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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