I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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