So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
