i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
