My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
