He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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